MLB All Star Game Diary

We are back and better than ever here at Durty Butter. This All-Star game should be one of the better ones in recent memory if only for the fact that the National League might win, and St. Louis is pretty much the epitome of a baseball town. I am calling a National League victory solely on the fact that Barack Obama is throwing out the first pitch. Democrats and the National League go hand in hand. Let's get going.

- Albert Pujols has to win the Triple Crown this year. This is going to be baseball's way of trying to get fans back. Just watching the introduction and all of the press that Pujols has gotten the last few days, the MLB is going to throw all of their weight behind him. Look for Hanley Ramirez and Carlos Beltran to either go on the DL with Depression or they get deported.

- Sheryl Crow still looks decent, never was a big fan though.

- IF people there were actually booing Barack Obama, then this country has officially gone to shit. Sports fans do have the shortest memories though, and apparently it only takes 7 months to forget the worst Presidency that any of us will ever see in our lifetime.

- Ichiro almost goes yard on the first pitch. Juice just said that Lincecum looks like Randy Pink Floyd from Dazed and Confused, and he is hoping that the NL wins so that the Cardinals will have home field advantage for the world series. Along with having a short memory, people have become delusional in the last 7 months

- Pink Floyd hits Jeter, Sports Guy is cheering emphatically in his man cave

- Pujols makes an error, and now all of Busch Stadium is on suicide watch.

- Lincecum playing in the first game in his career that matters, and forgets to cover first. In his defense, nobody watches Giants games, so he can do whatever the hell he wants to do there.

- Pujols grounds out, ushers are now trying to keep fans from jumping from the upper deck.

- This will be the first time in his career that Roy Halladay has not pitched at least 8 innings, and right now Hunter Pence is running wind sprints around Busch Stadium to get ready to enter the game in the 7th inning.

- Aaron Hill grounds out on the first pitch he sees, and everyone watching collectively asks "Who the hell is Aaron Hill?"

- Juice decides to kick the delusions into another gear by saying that the Cardinal fans should have chanted Roy Halladay's name in order to sway him to come to St. Louis. Apparently salaries don't matter as long as your fans can collectively say a players name over and over.

- Lincecum is now done and can relax and get ready for the Aerosmith concert he is going to.

- Obama is now talking with Buck and McCarver. Buck starts talking politics, McCarver is asleep.

- Yadi Molina ties the game and Cardinal fans start buying World Series tickets.

- Obama delivers the best line of the night. Buck: "is there a plan for a bailout for the National League?" Obama: "NO, we are out of money"

- Obama comes back with: "it's about time"' when Buck mentions that Mark Buehrle is warming up in the bullpen. If Obama really wants to help out the country he should have the Secret Service take McCarver out back and put him out of his misery and take over for him.

- Buck wants Obama to hang around, Obama pulls the classic "let me check" move. I'm pretty sure that this isn't the first time Buck has wanted someone to hangout with him and he gets blown off. If Bob Uecker was in the booth, Barack would be chilling with a Bud and cigarette right now.

- Buehrle almost hits Pujols on an inside pitch, the Secret Service is now protecting Mark instead of President Obama.

- Ryan Theriot get a highlight shown in the All-Star game as being the worst base runner in baseball. Has a cooler nickname ever been used for a shittier baseball player?

- Zach Grienke went on the DL with social anxiety disorder a couple of years ago. Whatever happened to the Mark Grace method of slump-busting? Going out with 5 buddies, and leaving with one girl who weighs as much as your 5 buddies.

- Carl Crawford has to be an illegitimate child of Andruw Jones. Or maybe along with stealing his looks, he also stole all of his talent.

- Joe Mauer ties the game. I remember when people were blasting the Twins for taking Mauer instead of Mark Prior because they said that the Twins were cheap. Maybe they were cheap, or maybe they were smart because they didn't want to pay some douche millions of dollars to throw 3 good years and then implode on himself like a dying star. I'm not going to accuse Prior of juicing, but no mammal on the planet has calves the size of his.

- If I was an average baseball player, I would want to play for the Nationals because the only way it would be easier to go to the all-star game would be to buy a ticket.

- And the all-star game has officially turned boring. This happens every year, and realistically no one cares about any all-star game. The only thing I care about is the NBA Dunk Contest, the Home Run Derby, the NHL Skills Competition is pretty cool, but I still don't like hockey.

- God Damn Albert Pujols is too likable. By the way, Will Leitch had a great article on Deadspin on why St. Louis might not keep Pujols. Before you go crazy Gerald, I will link the article so you can read it, I think you will agree with most of the points.

- Sara Evans is singing God Bless America and everyone collectively asks "Who the hell is Sara Evans?" What a horrible outfit! The only thing that you are able to decipher from that outfit is that she has fat arms. We have Janet Jackson to thank for that. Obviously Jessica Simpson was too busy eating comfort food after getting dumped by another douche bag.

- Carl Crawford is Andruw Jones from 2004!! And of course McCarver has to piss in his cornflakes by saying that the ball would not have gotten over the fence. The replay proved what everyone in America knows..... Tim McCarver is worthless and needs to join Billy Packard in a retirement home.

- And the National League sucks again!

- Here comes Mariano Rivera, so we can probably close the book on this one.

- And that's the game, at least it was interesting at the end of it. I'm kinda shocked that Andruw Jones won the MVP.