A Man's Man

Last weekend I had the pleasure of enjoying a few Bud Selects at Trace with the crew. The Crew consists of Sha Boi, Scheffki, myself, and whichever bartender has the honor of over serving us on that particular night (On this night Mike was bestowed that honor). While drinking the tasty beers, the topic of conversation usually goes in many directions. First we usually start discussing whatever sport is on television, and then discuss whichever team that we follow of that particular sport, and how they are taking away our will to live. Next we move on to music. This is usually done for 2 reasons: 1) The song that is playing is really good, and we want to know who is responsible for such a treat or 2) The song is terrible, seems like it will never end, and so we bash the singer unmercifully. Inevitably the conversation will roll around to something that we have either witnessed on TV, or are looking forward to seeing in the theatre. This week the conversation evolved into this great question: What ever happened to the "Man's Man"?

I'm sure that most of you know what I am talking about. It was actually a recurring theme in the Saprano's. Tony always asked his therapist what ever happened to Gary Cooper, the strong silent type. Now I have no damn clue who Gary Cooper was, but I know the mold. The examples that automatically pop into my head are Clint Eastwood, Frank Sinatra, Jack Nicholson, Mohammed Ali and so on. The example that was given to me when we started talking about this was Robert Mitchum. Again, I have really no clue who he is, but I'm pretty sure that if I lived while he did, I would say that he is a guy I would love to have a beer with. The problem that we now face as a society is that all of the "Man's Men" are either dead or about to be. You know who are "Man's Men" right now? The "Most Interesting Man In the World" from those Dos Equis commercials and Don Draper from Mad Men. Neither of them are real people, what the hell is going on?




Now before we delve into the question above, we need to lay out some ground rules for what makes a "Man's Man". The only caveat for being a "Man's Man" was that he was American born.
1) Guys want to be him, Ladies want to be with him.
This phrase was coined to describe the "Man's Man", so it is only fitting that it is the first rule

2) He must appeal to men of all ages and backgrounds
Whether you were old or young, rich or poor, from what I am told, you loved Clint Eastwood back in the day. Hell you still love him. A "Man's Man" is loved by all.

3) He seems unflappable. In any situation he is as cool as a cold beer on a hot summer day
By this I mean whenever you see him, whether in a movie, interview, or taking a leak, it seems like he is impervious to the outside world. It is his world, and the rest of us are just living in it.

4) As he gets older, his legend only grows. He doesn't look back, instead he evolves
Longevity is what ever person strives for in everything they do. We want to live longer, party later, eat more, have relations longer. Almost everyone looks at their past longingly wishing that it had lasted longer. Whether it be being a child, being in High School, College, or the time after college and before you got married and your children grew up and ruined your life. A "Man's Man" is always in the moment.

5) Somehow they have left there mark on pretty much everyone in a certain generation
This person has had such an impact on an entire generation or longer that they transcend age. A 25 year old can have a conversation about this person with a 65 year old and neither person will miss a beat. Both have the exact same opinion about them. Here is an example: If I try to have a conversation with my dad about how cool I think Josh Duhamel is, he will first ask me who that is, and then tell me to get him another scotch on the rocks as he flips through the channels. If I mention Ali or Eastwood, we can talk for hours until my mom yells at us for drinking too much and tells us to turn the TV off and go to bed because it is 2 in the morning.

So who are some people from our recent past that had a shot to be in this illustrious group? Well here is a list of them from the 80's and 90's.

1) Mel Gibson

I know what you are all thinking. Mel Gibson can't be on the list because he is Australian!!! Well here is a fun fact kids: Mel Gibson was born in New York!! That's right, he was ours first dammit!!! Anyways, here is his "Man's Man" resume:

1) Lethal Weapons - Even if 3 and 4 sucked, 1 and 2 were so good that he is forgiven for the rest. Plus Gary Busey was a bad guy in the first one
2) Braveheart - One of the best movies ever... Period
3) The Patriot and We Were Soldiers - Not fantastic movies, but they were still solid, and Mel was a bad ass in them
4) He is funny as hell - Anyone who has the balls to call a female police officer "Sugar Tits" has to have a hell of a sense of humor. He was always great during interviews.
5) Loves to drink and Smoke - Not sure if he still smokes, but he obviously still drinks. Always seemed cool doing it.

2) Harrison Ford

The man who made Archeology cool, Harrison Ford wasn't always the Bad Ass, but he was always smooth and cool. Here is his resume:

1) He was born in Chicago, automatically makes him cool as shit.
2) He is Han Solo. Not only was he pretty much the only Bad Ass guy in Star Wars besides Yoda, he wore a really homo-erotic costume in the movie, and no one seemed to care. You can't underestimate how Manly this is.
3) He is Indiana Jones. The only redeeming quality about Indiana is Harrison Ford. The Indiana state flag should just have a picture of Harrison Ford, their Capitol should be renamed Harrison, and everyone should have to drive a Ford. Not only would this help jump start the economy, it would also make Indiana less of a crap-hole
4) Blade Runner is cool as hell. If you haven't seen it watch it.
5) Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, Air Force One, and the Fugitive. From 1989 to 1997 Harrison did not make a bad movie. That is a hell of a streak.
6) The Intense Face:



7) He has dated Carrie Fischer, Daryl Hannah, Lara Flynn Boyle, Minnie Driver, and Calista Flockheart. Not a bad stretch.

We just need a better comeback from Ford, because the last Indiana Jones movie made me want to poke my eyes out. Watch the South Park episode about it. Classic


3) Eddie Murphy

Eddie had it all going for him in the 80's. He was cool as hell, funny and smooth. He if anybody could have pulled off all of the rules that we stated above, yet he missed. His Resume:

1) SNL - He was a star from the get go. Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, Stevie Wonder, Gumby, Buckwheat, the list goes on and on.
2) His Standup - His standup comedy is immortal, but more importantly, no one in the world could have pulled of the outfits that he wore in Raw and Delirious. Try and name one other person who you could take seriously wearing a purple leather jumpsuit. I dare you!
3) Beverly Hills Cop and 48 Hours - All of these movies proved that he could not only be funny, but also be cool as hell doing it.
4) His Laugh - Sure you would mock it, but it was part of his persona. How many people nowadays can take something like that and make it bankable?
5) His wife - She was probably one of the All-Time greatest looking women that you have never seen before.

The problem with Eddie was that he just started making bad movies. Plan and simple.



4) Robert DeNiro

If anyone could pull of the Gary Cooper mold of the strong silent type, it is DeNiro. He also fits the role of a new era Sinatra perfectly, except I imagine he can't sing for shit. Every time you look at the man, you can't help but be a little apprehensive. He has that look that makes you not want to say something stupid to him and look like a fool. His Resume:

1) His Movies - Although he plays the Italian mobster probably better than anyone ever could, it is his other roles that I absolutely love. Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Cape Fear, these are the movies that make you realize that he is 100% Bad Ass!!
2) His Aura - The SNL skit where him and Joe Pesci come on and beat up the guys who are playing them on the show is fantastic, and it is not far fetched. What are the odds that if SNL hadn't come to them and said "Hey, wouldn't it be great if you guys came on and beat the hell out of Jim Brewer for a while?" that Pesci and DeNiro wouldn't have just come on the show anyways and probably really beat the hell out of Jim Brewer? I'm guessing pretty damn good.
3) His Image - Based purely on seeing him act and his personality here are a few things that I assume: He can win a Bar Fight. He can throw a football and baseball. He hates being made fun of. No woman has ever turned him down. He is probably a great shot with a gun. Now are any of these things true? Probably not, he probably throws like a 6 year old girl, and can't take a punch, but it doesn't matter. Until I see him throw like a girl, I will believe that he has a Nolan Ryan fastball.

Just like Murphy, he started doing crappy movies. He could very easily evolve into an Eastwood though, and we will all forget about Showtime and Righteous Kill.


DeNiro on SNL. Fast forward to the 6 minute mark if you are like me and can't stand Jim Brewer.




SNL - Joe Pesci Show with Robert De Niro
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Now that we have done away with the past, let's look ahead and see who could become our generations "Man's Man". Here is my short list:


1) Ed Norton

He is the perfect candidate. Not only does he seem like the strong, silent type, he proved to everyone that he is not a Sissy with American History X. That movie scared me right down to the bottom of my soul. He isn't overly good looking, but he can still pull some amazing tail. His Resume:

1) Acting - The only bad movie on his resume was Keeping the Faith. Beyond that, he has been pretty much perfect. When you do Rounders, American History X, and Fight Club back to back to back, you aren't lucky, you are an amazing actor
2) Salma Hayek - That's right folks, he was the one who was dating Salma Hayek when she was in her prime. Not a ton of people know that. Now if I was dating Salma Hayek, I would make sure that every person from here to Zimbabwe knew about it. But not Eddie, he could care less if people knew about it, and that my friends is Bad Ass!!
3) His Appearance - Ed looks like an accountant, yet he can pull of playing a white supremest on the cream and the clear, and date arguably one of the most gorgeous women of our era? That tells you that either he is really good at being a human being, or he has actually mastered the skills of a Jedi. Nothing about him screams "Look at Me!!" yet dammit, I really want to be him!!

2) Leo DiCaprio

Lucky Leo pretty much has it all. Great actor, good looking, and goes through supermodels like us Indians go through razor blades. The beauty of him, just like Norton is that you never really hear about them or see them. They show up every once and a while at a sporting event, and make you think "Damn I would love to be him for one day". He is not in your face at all. He hasn't had a defining moment in his career or life yet. Unlike Ed Norton, he doesn't have an American History X that everyone will remember him for. What he has is Titanic, and that might keep him from the list, John Wayne never screamed "I'm the king of the world" at the front of a ship. If he does get that moment, than you can put him on the big board with the greats. His resume:

1) Movies - Just ridiculous the run that Leo had: Gangs of New York, Catch Me If You Can, The Aviator, The Departed, Blood Diamond, and Body of Lies. All in a row.
2) The Women - I can't even name them all, so here is the link if you are interested. To name a few: Liv Tyler, Alicia Silverstone, Amber Valletta, Carmen Electra, Gisele, Heather Gramah and Bar Refaeli. If you don't know some of the people I have just named, I suggest you take some personal time and google them!!
3) Growing Pains - This might be a dumb reason, but I love the fact that he was on a TV show that I loved as a kid. He has really been a part of our lives for almost 3 decades now. Plus after seeing washed up child actor after washed up child actor, it kinda makes you appreciate him more.

3) Michael Jordan

Call me a homer if you want, I don't give a damn. Michael Jordan is a candidate for a "Man's Man" and you know it. Was there anyone else that you would have rather been when Michael was in his prime? I didn't think so, so shut up and keep reading. His Resume:

1) Sports - Not only was he the greatest basketball player of all-time, but he also decided that he would try to be a professional athlete in a sport that he hadn't played since high school!! Maybe he sucked at it, but he was still athletic enough to last hit 3 home runs, and have 51 RBI's in the minors.
2) Gambling - The only thing that Michael may have loved more than beating the hell out of people in sports was gambling. He was in Atlantic City the night before playing a playoff game against the Knicks in 1993 and is rumored to have lost 1.25 million dollars while playing a round of golf.
3) Hall of Fame - Say what you will about accepting the honor of going into the hall of fame with grace and humility, Jordan built the NBA and basketball into what it is. Also he played the game with grace and humility, so if he wants to take a couple jabs at Byron Russell, who gives a shit? The man has balls, and he doesn't care about what people think of him. He knows he is the greatest.

We just need to see what Michael will do next. Obviously being a part owner and GM of the Bobcats isn't really working out well. I want to see Michael join the Senior PGA in 10 years and dominate. Barring a complete meltdown in the next 5 years, Michael is a shoe-in

I'm going to lump the next 3 people together because I think they are almost the exact same.

4) Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and George Clooney

All three have had great careers as far as actors go. And all three bring something different to the argument, but all three are also lacking in a lot of areas. Pitt will always be a pretty boy. That is how he became famous, and really what he will always be known for. Depp is half crazy which is cool, but he lacks that edge that makes him a Bad Ass. Being artistically eccentric is not really being "Manly" eccentric, I think we all know the difference. Clooney I feel is trying to hard to be a "Manly' man. It's kinda like how Kobe Bryant studied everything that Michael Jordan ever did and mimicked everything right down to the way he talks. Well I feel like Clooney is trying to be a member of the Rat Pack by trying to every one of them.

Sleeper "Man's Man":

Jamie Foxx

Not only did he start off as one of the funniest people on "In Living Color", but he has also turned into a really good actor. He is the current heir to the throne of Eddie Murphy in the "Man's Man" heirarchy. Does he have what it takes? I believe he could. His Resume:

1) Funny - Sure he had some misses with Booty Call and Bait, but he still has a lot of charisma, and is evolving. His standup is good, but not great, however on "In Living Color" he was fantastic.

2) Acting - He has had some great roles lately, and seems to be getting better. I wasn't a huge fan of Any Given Sunday, but you have to love "Steamin" Willie Beamin. He was fantastic in Ray, and also in Ali and Collateral. All three of thosee were solid movies, and he played the roles he had perfectly.

3) Balls - You wanna know what is crazy? Stepping into the ring with Mike Tyson when he was in his prime. You wanna know what is crazier than that? Doing an impression of Mike Tyson while he is in his prime and WHILE HE IS IN THE AUDIENCE!! Jamie did this, gotta love it.

4) Partying - It is a well documented fact that Jamie Foxx's house is like the Playboy Mansion without the tackiness and the corpses walking around in smoking jackets.

5) Interviews - He is one of the top 5 best people to be on a late night talk show. If you ever see that he is going to be on Conan or Letterman, Tivo it because it is going to be hilarious.

Foxx has already made the jump that Eddie Murphy hasn't made yet, he just needs the one really amazing moment to cement him in the "Man's Man" conversation.
I for one feel that we need a few new "Man's Men", but I'm not about to go grasping at the first person I see. We need someone to take us away from the reality TV shows, and stop us from listening to Cold Play and John Mayer. We need someone to remind us that women are the ones who get manicures, pedicures, waxed, and their eyebrows done. Dammit we need mustaches and chest hair again, so I want you to join me in a quest to find a new "Man's Man"!

So there it is. Please feel free to e-mail us at durtybutter@gmail.com or comment below if there is anyone you think I left out or somebody that should not be on the list.